What type of screen parent are you?

If there’s one battle we have to face that our own parents never did, it’s the daily screentime battle. 70% of New Zealand parents rank their child’s device use as their number one concern according to a recent survey. But it’s one thing to worry about it, it’s another to work out how to actually wrestle the thing out of their hands. Many parents find themselves in daily screen battles with their kids, often multiple times per day.

When it comes to getting devices away whether it be at school time, dinner time, bedtime or family time, what kind of screentime parent are you? Parents generally take one of four stances* but not all produce the same results.

The Pushover

Are you a pushover? The Pushover Parent is warm, understanding and caring. However a bit like the jellyfish they have no spine. They struggle to put rules in place and are quick to back down and let their kids take the lead when it comes to their device use. Let’s take a look at the Pros and Cons of the Pushover Parent.

Pros

The Pushover is warm and nurturing, which helps kids feel safe and connected with their parents. Kids of Pushover Parents will often feel safe to tell them about what is happening in their online world giving these parents a chance to help protect them from some online harms.

Cons

However a bit like a jellyfish, the Pushover Parent has no spine and they are hesitant to give their kids clear boundaries around screens. This means kids can end up involved in increasingly risky activities both online and in the real world. If the Pushover Parent then tries to rein them in they can end up confused as to whether their parent is their “buddy” or the one in charge. Research shows that kids of Pushover Parents end up struggling to accept rules and boundaries both in childhood and later in life.

In my work as a consultant I’ve seen some Pushover Parents who truly and deeply care about their kids, but whose kids are in deep trouble regardless. Bedtime is one example of this.

Sleep is vital for physical development and for brain development too. Too little sleep can affect attention, behaviour and learning in school. It can also affect our kids’ emotional and psychological wellbeing. Despite this, Pushover Parents allow their kids to negotiate later and later bedtimes or even keep their device with them overnight. The “toxic trio” of bedrooms, boredom and darkness are known to increase risky screen use exponentially.

It seems too many of us are becoming Pushover Parents these days with 1 in 3 US teens using screens past midnight. A recent New Zealand study found that screens are seriously impacting sleep with one notification ding leaving them lying awake up to 90 minutes. This is problematic when you learn that 70% of NZ teens send a message to a peer between 10pm and 6am leaving them at risk of poor emotional wellbeing as a result of permissive parenting around device use.

The Drill Sergeant

The Drill Sergeant is strict, bossy and quick to enforce the rules when it comes to screen use. They are aware of the dangers online and are determined to protect their kids from them. Their approach, however, can be problematic. The Drill Sergeant parent tends to trigger a screentime showdown which can have poor outcomes in the longer run even if they get outward compliance in the moment.

Pros

The Drill Sergeant parent has clear boundaries and follows through on their threats and ultimatums when it comes to device use. This means their kids are often protected from online harm with rules that are clearly communicated and enforced.

Cons

Kids of Drill Sergeant parents, however, often lack a feeling of safety and warmth. This makes it unlikely they will go to them with problems and trouble that might come up online. Even more problematic is that kids of Drill Sergeant parents can become outwardly obedient but inwardly rebellious and will sneak and hide their screen use from their parents. This leaves them at risk of online harm without the caring adult support when they need it. Drill Sergeant parents mean well, but risk rupturing the relationship with their child as a result of their harsh approach.

Often in my work I see a split between two parents with one taking the Drill Sergeant stance, while the other takes the Pushover stance. The Pushover worries that the Drill Sergeant is being too strict and harsh on the child and will quietly approach the child after a showdown and give them permission to stay on their screen. As a result they undermine the boundaries their partner is imposing.

The Drill Sergeant parent, in turn, feels the other parent is being pushed around by the child at the expense of their safety and feels hugely frustrated that their attempts to bring order are being undermined. This is not a good recipe for parent partnerships nor for kids’ safety online. It’s important to understand, however, that both parents deeply care about their children. They simply express their care in different ways.

The Busy Bee

The Busy Bee parent is preoccupied with their own lives. They choose not to get too involved in their kids’ lives and dramas and are happy to leave them to it. They may not even be aware of the kinds of things their kids are getting up to online.

Pros

Kids with Busy Bee parents don’t get into battles over screen use. These kids feel happy to be allowed to do whatever they want online, whenever they want without their parent noticing or making a fuss. In return, Busy Bee parents get to get on with their own lives and business without getting much involved in the emotional dramas of their kids’ cyberworld.

Cons

However, kids don’t feel they can go to a Busy Bee parent with problems that come up online because the Busy Bee parent isn’t often very involved in their online worlds. Kids of Busy Bee parents often lack a sense of warmth, safety and connection. This can lead to kids with poor self-esteem who have trouble managing challenging social situations online such as cyberbullying.

While it would be unfair to say Busy Bee parents just don’t care about their kids’ cyber universe, some just genuinely get so caught up in other commitments to work, to wider family, to the community or to their partner that their kids end up being left quite literally to their own devices.

Some Busy Bee parents once tried to enforce boundaries around screens and were advised by friends and family to pull back and not trigger an argument, encouraging them to let their kids learn to handle screens on their own. This may seem like a good thing as once the Busy Bee pulls right back, arguments over device use dissolve completely.

However, because of this, kids of Busy Bee parents can end up accidentally or intentionally exposed to unsafe screen interactions such as cyberbullying, violent or sexualised gaming, social comparison and porn. Research shows this leaves them at serious risk of depression, anxiety and many other mental health issues.

The Mother Hen

The real-life Mother Hen can be bossy and command her chicks in stay in order, yet fold them under her wings or protect them fiercely from danger. The Mother Hen screen parent has clear boundaries that are enforced but he or she remains kind. Gordon Neufeld describes this as being both the “angel of comfort” and the “agent of futility” - a sometimes tricky balance but one that brings the magic home.

Pros

The Mother Hen parent is warm and nurturing, helping their kids feel safe and connected with them. Their kids are generally kept safe from online harm through clear boundaries and age-appropriate restrictions combined with a caring, connected stance. This means kids of Mother Hen parents feel safe to tell them about what is happening in their online world. These parents are understanding of their kids’ emotions and frustrations and help them to balance time with friends online with their responsibilities in the real world such as chores, homework and family time.

Mother Hen parents create kids with good self-esteem and good social skills in both the online world and the real world around them. These kids end up making better decisions for themselves around screen use as they grow older, and are able to independently manage their own screen use as they grow up.

Cons

Becoming a Mother Hen parent is difficult when our own parents may have been the Drill Sergeant, the Pushover or the Busy Bee types. It takes time, effort and support to change the patterns that are hard-wired into us from our own childhood.

But which type is best?

The Mother Hen approach is the best approach when helping keep our kids safe online. Mother Hen Mums and Dads come alongside their kids’ need to occasionally enjoy time online but do not buckle to their kids’ demands for ever more screen time. They place firm boundaries and limits and are comfortable to reinforce them without being overly harsh or unkind. This keeps their kids safe from online harm but allows them to remain connected to their parents at the same time.

Without a Mother Hen lead we can end up with constant battles over devices, kids who sneak internet time, kids who are getting into real trouble with risky screen behaviours and as a result, escalating mental health problems such as anxiety and depression in the teenage years.

While it’s tempting to give in like the Pushover, to go into battle like the Drill Sergeant or to simply leave them to it like the Busy Bee, I believe we all need to step up as parents and find our kind, firm lead to keep our children safe from online harm.

*These four parent types are taken from Baumrind’s original research in the 1970s. I have applied the parenting patterns evident in their research to screen issues as they play out in the digital age we now find ourselves in. (Note: I also borrow from Parenting Place’s matrix Sergeant Major/ Jellyfish/ MIA/ Parent Coach.)